My soul knows very well

There is no reason why I can't trust God this time.

I have been through my fair share of disappointment and unpleasant surprises in life. By this I mean when things did not turn the way I thought they would, when I was suddenly caught unprepared, off-guard, and not ready to accept what lied ahead. Those days were dark, and there was always a mixture of deep ache, anger, bitterness, frustration in me. But somehow, as I have now realised, those events were precisely and beautifully 'planned' by our Father for my own good. My souls knows it very well.

Event 1
After I have completed my secondary school, I have made up my mind to go to St. Andrew's Junior College for my Pre-U education. I thought my O levels' results were decent enough to get a place in SAJC easily, considering the fact that I was from St. Andrew's Secondary School and that I was in SAJC for first three months. But as it turned out, I was posted to Anglo-Chinese Junior College instead. ACJC is known to be a better college than SAJC, and the fact that I put ACJC as my fifth choice still did not prevent me from being sent there. It was a big shock for me. I immediately called SAJC vice-principal - Ms Mabel Seah to explain to her my situation, that something must have done wrong in the posting process. I asked for her to allow me to return to SAJC again, coz there's where all my friends were. (I hardly knew a soul in ACJC). She agreed, on the condition that I took up double sciences (Physics and Chemistry) and double maths (Math C and Further Math). Whereas ACJC had allowed me to do my preferred subjects, which are triple sciences (biology, chemistry and physics) and math. After much thinking, I decided to stay in ACJC to start a new life.

Now as I look back, I know why God had wanted me to go there. It's not that I had a great time in ACJC or made some great friends. But in ACJC, I was required to step out of my own comfort zone to meet new people. To be honest, I was depressed most of the times in AC, coz I found it difficult to relate to people there. Many were high-achievers, whether in academics or sports, and it seemed like if you are not good in either, you would not be recognised at all. Everyday during recess, I would go to spectator stand (in front of the school track and field) by myself and just spend some quiet time there. Occasionally two of my friends (Douglas and Kim Sung) would join me. Being there by myself, and being constantly unhappy, allowed me to draw nearer to God in a special way. I came to a realisation that He accepts me for who I am, regardless of whether I was outstanding in the eyes of the world or not. I think this marked the beginning of my discipleship in Christ. This is where I base my security in Him, not on my ability to serve Him or make Him proud, but on His great love for me.

Of course, through ACJC canoeing (which I joined in my year 2), I was exposed to a variety of strenous physical training regimen. That allowed me to later apply it in Infinity Milers, a club that I joined when I was in IMU.

My ACJC classmates

Chilling out in Sentosa.

My AC canoeing mates. All of them are strong and valiant men.

Event 2

My plan had always been to do well for my A levels', so that I could enter NUS for medicine. At that time, my dream was to be a missionary doctor, to go to poor developing countries to do medical work as well as to spread the gospel. However, my A levels results turned out to be much worse than I thought, and there was just no way I could enter NUS with that results. I was devastated. I did not know why I got such poor results. I thought I worked hard, and my study partner and best friend then - Benjamin Sim said that he did not understand too, coz we were both of the same standard (he got straight As).

I went into depression after that. All of sudden my life went into a crisis, and I had no idea what my next step would be. What else can I do now? Day after day, night after night, I had sadness in my heart. It felt as though I have failed miserably. I was a complete loser. A worm. A worthless piece of broken metal. I also could not understand why God would allow me to go through this. Hadn't I wanted to serve Him in the mission field? Why did He destroy my dream?

After some time, I talked to people and they all encouraged me to try something else. Chemistry engineering, accountancy, science, teaching, social work etc. I applied to all three universities - NUS, NTU and SMU, convinced that I was not cut out for medicine. Or that it was not God's will for me to do so. I buried my dream alive.

One day after I have finished prayer meeting in church, Uncle Lumsung gave me a lift to the MRT station. In the car he asked me about medicine and whether I had applied to anywhere. I told him it wasn't God's will for me to study medicine, so I did not apply. He said: 'Don't try to interpret God's will from the circumstances in your life. You just apply. If He opens the door, then good. If not, you know for sure it's not His will.' His word stirred up some reckoning in me.

Anyway to cut the long story short, I managed to apply and get a place in International Medical University (IMU). Through a series of events, the meeting with Sianghon (the missionary doctor in Kazakhstan from Covenent EFC), the mysterious encounter with three strangers in Malaysia whom I had the privilege to share Christ with, the divine arrangement of God, I finally understood the reason behind everything. I realised that my desire to serve God in the mission field was based on my own whimsy fantasy and romantic idea of missionary life. He wanted me to come to the end of myself and my agenda, so He could give me a brand new purpose and destiny again.

So many good things happened when I was in IMU. What I had been through prior to IMU had prepared me very well for the challenges that I faced there. I had the privilege to serve in Infinity Milers, Christian Fellowship, and I also made some really great friends, and more importantly, I got to meet the love of my life in IMU - Mao. :)

My CF family

Climbing mountains with friends from Infinity Milers

Two of my best buddies in IMU. Anke (centre) and J Boy (right)

Love of my life. (After Gunung Nuang Climbathon)

Hence, my soul knows very well the faithfulness and perfect plan of God for His people. At times it may be hazy. At times I struggled with bitterness and anger and disbelief. But often when uncertainty and fear cloud my view, and I become emotionally crippled, that's when I base my trust in our Heavenly Father.

My soul knows very well

You make Your face to shine on me
And that my soul knows very well
You lift me up, I'm cleansed and free
And that my soul knows very well

When mountains fall, I'll stand
By the power of Your hand
And in Your heart of heart I'll dwell
And that my soul knows very well

Joy and strength each day I find
And that my soul knows very well
Forgiveness, hope, I know is mine
And that my soul knows very well