The Spirit has prompted me to write how God has guided me in this valley of darkness. This is to recount God's faithfulness in my life, as well as to serve as a future reminder that God is sovereign and His plans are perfect.
I have been very anxious and fearful throughout this period. I guess it's the possibility of having to go back to Malaysia (or Singapore) that made me worried. Don't get me wrong. It is my desire to return to Malaysia to work. There is no doubt about that. Since God miraculously opened the door for me to study medicine, I know deep in my heart that this life of mine is for living for Him. This gift of medicine shall be used to serve His people in the poorest places.
It's just that I am in a lot of debt at the moment. After I graduate, the approximate amount of debt I have is around Aud$ 120, 000. If I work in Malaysia, it's going to take a lifetime to repay. Moreover, the debt would bound me in a place, such that the stress of work and repayment of debt would take away all my desire and freedom to travel to conflict zones/disaster areas to do mission work and spread the gospel. Hence my (human) plan has always been to stay in Australia and work, to clear my debt as soon as I can, and to get my training done here, so that in the future it makes it easier for me to go to other countries with the Australian qualification. The place that I eventually hope to settle down to build my family with Mao is Borneo, Malaysia. It's there where I can feel God's heartbeat to share His love with mankind and my desire to live, work and play, meet.
When I didn't get a job offer from Rockhampton, my life suddenly took a nasty turn. I was greatly disappointed. More than that, I was anxious. I feared that it's His will for me to return to Malaysia at this point. Because the thought of going home at the end of year is just unimaginably difficult. But I know, if it's His will for me, I would have to follow. Because He knows best.
In this period, God has spoken to me through the Psalms and Proverbs.
'Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart are enlarged;
bring me out of my distresses.
Consider all my affliction and my trouble,
and forgive all me sins.'
Psalm 25:16-18
'I know that the Lord will maintain the cause of the afflicted,
and will execute justice for the needy.
Surely the righteous shall give thanks to Your name;
the upright shall dwell in your presence.'
Psalm 140:12-13
'When the cares of my heart are many,
Your consolations cheer my soul.'
Psalm 94:19
'You have kept count of my tossings;
put my tears in Your bottle.
Are they not in Your book?
Then my enemies will turn back
in the day when I call.
This I know, that God is for me.'
Psalm 56:6-9
Lord, You know all my afflictions. That's enough for me. I don't need everyone to know or sympathise with me. I just need You to know.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for His name's sake.
Psalm 23:1-3
Deep in my heart, I know that it's not my anxiety about the future that matters. What matters more is my posture before God in this time of uncertainty. Will I choose to doubt Him, and frantically use my human effort to call all hospitals to secure my future? Or will I choose to trust Him, that He indeed has a better plan? This is a matter of righteousness, as a time of crisis like this reveals our inner faith in Him, and how we respond to trials. Lord, lead me in paths of righteousness, for Your name's sake.
The steps of a man are established by the Lord,
when He delights in his way,
though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong,
for the Lord upholds his hand.
Psalm 37:23-24
Lie not in wait as a wicked man against the dwelling of the righteous;
do no violence to his home;
for the righteous falls seven times and rises again,
but the wicked stumble in times of calamity.
Proverbs 24:15-16
'Cast your burden on the Lord,
and He will sustain you;
He will never permit the righteous to be moved.
Psalm 55:22
The psalmist was honest about life. He knew that even righteous fall. But he knew something more. He knew even when righteous fall, God would still uphold their hands. Trials and tribulations are not an indicator of our faithfulness or righteousness in Christ; because even the righteous are not spared from them. But God designs our life circumstances such that, trials and tribulations shall come to us, but they will not overcome us, because our steps are established by Him.
'Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us.
Those of low estate are but a breath;
those of high estate are a delusion;
in the balances they go up;
they are together lighter than a breath.
Put no trust in extortion;
Set no vain hopes on robbery;
if riches increase, set not your heart on them.
Once God has spoken; twice have I heard this:
That power belongs to God,
and that to You, O Lord, belongs steadfast love.
Psalm 62:8-12
'The sacrifice of the wicked is an abomination to the Lord,
but the prayer of the upright is acceptable to Him.'
Proverbs 15:8
'The Lord is far from the wicked,
but He hears the prayer of the righteous.'
Proverbs 15:29
'Then he (Angel Gabriel) said to me, 'Fear not, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your heart to understand and humbled yourself before God, your words have been heard, and I have come because of your words.'
Daniel 10:12
The bible has so many assurances that God listens to our prayers. He is not a far away God who does not listen or does not care. Oh if only we can pray and pray and pray till heaven opens and hell breaks. This is my confidence, that God listens to the prayer of His children.
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