Run or not?

Last week after completing the TNF 100 Singapore, I told myself I was done for this year. TNF 100 was much harder than expected, a lot of it due to the intense tropical heat that i was not used to, and I remembered telling myself that i was not prepared to run another 50km in the same condition again in the near future. I called up Avtar, the race organiser for Borneo Ultra-Trail Marathon to ask if I could transfer my entry to next year. He said it's certainly not a problem. I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking that i could finally have the rest that i needed for the time being.

Last night, after hearing how Kilian Jornet won the Mt. Kinabalu Climbathon in the closest race ever with Marco from Italy, I felt something stirred within me. Kilian was more than 3 mins behind Marco at the half way point (i.e. the peak). Everyone knows that Kilian is well-known for his ability to run down at a extremely fast pace, but 3 mins is just too big gap to catch up. Notwithstanding the fact that Marco suffered a fall on his way down, Kilian finally beat him in the last 1km by 44 seconds. What a amazing feat for Kilian. He just completed the home run for this year's five continents project - TNF Australia (Australia), Western State 100 (US), Ultra-trail Mont Blanc (France-Italy-Switzerland), Table Mountain Challenge (South Africa) and now, Mt Kinabalu Climbathon (Borneo).

Putting these world-class trail runners aside, I also saw a few familiar runners' names in the finishers' list. These are the runners that race frequently in KL, they are great runners. I also noticed the large number of runners who did not finish the race because they exceeded the cut-off time. I wonder how I would fare I had gone to Mt. Kinabalu Climbathon. Almost immediately  I could sense the competitive demons whispering ungodly voices in me.

That night, I found myself revisiting the decision to run the Ultra-Trail Marathon 50km in Sabah in November. What do i lose if don't run? What do i gain if i do run? Is it for pride, achievement or glory that i am seeking for? Is it because I am inspired by what KJ did in Mt. Kinabalu Climbathon, and i think i could do the same? Is it to establish my name in the list of ultra-runners in Malaysia? I don't know.. One thing i do know. If these are the things i am seeking after by running the race, i would still be left wanting because the answers to life's deepest questions aren't found there. It's not there. I could spend my entire life toiling and searching for significance but I won't be able to find it, at least not in human achievement. Even if i do, it's temporary, and as shallow as a bath-time thought or a noon-day flower.

'All flesh is like grass,

and all its glory like the flower of the field.

The grass withers,

and the flower falls,

but the word of the Lord remains forever.'

                                      1 Peter 1:24/Isaiah 40:6-8

I wonder what Jesus would tell me if I share with him my decision to run. Deny my desire to run and focus on my studies (since my exams is getting nearer and my preparation is far from adequate)? Run but don't base my motivation on temporal glory that vanishes as soon as I leave this country? Or He might say: You decide yourself using the wisdom and spirit that i have given you. Glorify me in all that you do.

I won't make a guess about this, because i know my human understanding is just too limited and finite to comprehend the grand plans God has for our lives. Running or not running do not make me a better person, or Christian. It is the motivation and motives behind it that ultimately matter.

I am going to leave this aside for a while. I trust that God would reveal enough for me to make a decision in due time. Lord, humble me and teach me according to Your truth. Don't let me sway away from You or be blinded by that which doesn't last. Lead me to the rock that is higher than myself, and in the way that's everlasting. In Christ Jesus's name, Amen.