Running with horses: Guidance for next year

'All that I have done today has gone amiss. What is to be done now?' Aragorn

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn darkness into light before them, and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.

Isaiah 42:16

Lord I am hoping you will speak to me about plans for next year. I don't have a job. What should I do? Should I actively go look for one? Or should I wait? I feel like if I were to do it my way, I would charge into the world, and fight for my own dreams and passion. I am so used to figuring out life on my own, solving problems, fighting battles. But I am not sure if this is the way God wants me to live. Well, life is not meant to be lived like that - on our own. I am meant to walk in intimacy with the Lord, to seek counsel from Him - the wisest and kindest and most living person in the universe.

So Lord, what should I do next year? My options are

1) HPB fellowship at PAH or RBH. These positions have both been taken...

2) HPB fellowship at Mater or Gold Coast.

3) Upper GI fellowship in RBH

4) General Surgery fellowship

5) HPB fellowship in Interstates

6) Take a year off. Be house daddy, do research, finish my masters, private assist, travel etc.

Well option 1 has pretty much been decided for me. Both positions have been taken. And unless if one of them pulls out, I would have no chance.

Personally I am not so keen on option 2. These fellowship positions are not as established as option 1. I know this sounds arrogant, and I am aware of the fact that 'no job is a waste of time', but in an ideal world, I would prefer to do 2-3 years of solid HPB training in reputable units like RBH, PAH, Royal Prince Alfred in NSW, Fiona Stanley Hospital in Perth or Austin in Victoria.

Option 3 is a very lucrative option for me. Because my aim is ultimately be a minimally invasive HPB surgeon, spending a year in Upper GI in RBH is great because it helps develop advanced laparoscopic skills. The problem is, Dr Finch has offered the job to a good friend of mine - Kevin Lah, who is the current Upper GI fellow. Because his year has been affected by Covid-19, Finchy offered for him to stay for another year. Given his current circumstances, it is quite likely that he will remain in QLD for another year.

Option 4. This is not bad a option to keep my general surgery skills up and help to feed the family, except that I don't have interest to do it. The nearby Gen Surg fellowship positions are Caboolture, Redcliffe, QE 2, Logan and I don't feel particularly drawn to these positions. I also don't feel they would significantly contribute or 'value-add' to my ultimate goal to be a MIS HPB surgeon. Yes it is a good way to kill time and maintain my general skills, but I don't feel like this is an area I am lacking in.

Option 5. Well, we are having our third child in October so that makes traveling interstate very difficult, almost impossible. My wife is not keen to uproot the whole family to go to a new place with a newborn. While my wife is happy for me to go on my own, and she will remain in QLD with 3 kids, I don't think that is the right thing to do. I cannot imagine being away from my family for that long, even if I could travel back on some weekends to see them. It's just not the same.

Option 6. If all the above options are out, this is likely what i would be doing next year. It is actually not a bad option. In fact, it is pretty tempting. To finally not have a 'stable' job, to be able to spend more time with the family and do what i like and pursue my hobby of running, write a few papers and do my Masters etc. Besides I can privately assist David Cavallucci, Nick O'Rourke, Richard Bryant or some of my PAH bosses eg Shinn Yeung, which would be a great learning opportunity for me. Yes finance would be a bit tight, and the year of 'no formal training' does not look good on my cv, but hey, it's still fun !

I spoke to Cav and Nick - two of my bosses in RBH this week, and had a long chat with them about the future. Nick recommends that i do option 5 and Cav reckons options 1, 3 or 6 are good. In fact, Cav mentioned about Tan Tock Seng Hospital HPB fellowship job in Singapore, coz it's the only unit in Singapore that is recognised by ANZHPBA. Besides the head of unit - Terence Huey, used to train under Nick and Cav in RBH in early 2010s. If they put in a word for me, and if the position is still vacant, I should stand a good chance. I have also been thinking for a long time to move our family back to Singapore/Malaysia for a year for the kids to spend some time with their cousins and get cultural education, so this seems like a great opportunity. I left Singapore since 2006 for my university education, and it still holds a special place in my heart. I looked up the HPB unit in TTSH, and it appears that they do a fair bit of MIS HPB as well. So it is in fact a really good job to do with high case volume. Plus our family and the newborn can be close to both of our families. Except i am not sure if the position is still vacant.

Not having a clear plan and being at the mercy of other people is hard. It's almost the end of June. Most people would have figured out their fellowship plans for next year by now, or started making effort. I feel like that I am not making progress, and I am waiting for things to happen. Waiting is hard. It sounds like a passive thing to do. Do nothing. Be vulnerable. Thus I am getting stressed out - which then hurts my ability to discern what God is saying to me. Which only increases my desperation to hear, and the whole thing is spinning into a tight, little Gordian knot. I have to pause, back up and consecrate myself and the matter at hand. I have to let go of my constant attempt to 'figure things out'.

Lord I don't want to decide this matter on my own. For I know I will almost definitely act on this based on my own selfish ambition, even at the expense of my own family. Teach me to hear Your voice, in the midst of some many competing noises and priorities. I want to do Your will. It is fruitless for me to seek your counsel while being privately committed to one course of action over the others. I must surrender my agendas and my 'best thoughts' on the matter. I must surrender my secret desires. When I do this, i will be in a much better place to receive His thoughts on the situation.