As i sit here waiting to board my flight, i realised that i don't get much opportunity like this, just to sit here and have nothing to do. When i say having nothing to do, there are still of course a million things which occupy my minds - where to bring my wife for our wedding anniversary, what gear to buy so i could bring Jonas for a hike and cycle, when to start writing the male breast cancer and unusual hibernoma case report, which books should i read, when and how should i start running and training for marathon, how to be better in my work to impress my boss, what movies to watch etc. My brain just never stops.
Life just kinda feels like i have arrived at a movie thirty minutes late. Everything i do, there are always 600 other things waiting to be done. I feel I am constantly behind, trying to figure out the story plot, chasing deadline, trying to fulfil my promise and commitment, and hoping at the end of the day, things will work out.
I used to be able to sit down in silence in my devotional time with God, where i lost track of time and just enjoying close connection and spiritual intimacy with my heavenly Father. But now, when i sit down for more than 30 seconds, my mind starts racing and thinking what to do next. Even when i set aside time to read the bible or just for prayer, i always set a time that i must 'finish' my quiet time. If i don't, I won't be able to finish all the tasks for the day.
It seems like life has become such a rush for me. Having said that, i probably can't recall a time when i actually have free time. Ever since high school, I have always packed my schedules real tight such that there is minimal free time. All through high school, college and university, it has always been studies, church, christian fellowship, Boys' Brigade, infinity milers, friends, running. Now I am working full time on a job that demands so much of me, and having a family and a new baby that need constant attention, my free time is essentially non-existent.
This is not the way i want to live. At this rate, I am bound to crash at some point or head toward burn-out. I remember reading a book when i was 18 titled - 'Ordering Your Private World' by Gordon MacDonald. The book warns against the barrenness of a busy life and urges us to build a strong inner world and spirit with God so we are able to face the challenges of the external world. It encourages us to live from the centre, from the inside out, instead of the other round.
I need to remind myself that every new day is a gift from God. He is our heavenly Father who desires to spend time with us, fulfil us, give us joy, hope and peace, guide our everyday decision, and supply us with the strength and wisdom for the challenges that lie ahead. God is not that angry or sulky-looking guy up there who is always disappointed and dissatisfied with us, who always says no to our every request. He is the very essence of Joy itself, and His heart is for His children.
Each time i start my day chasing deadlines and goals, I neglect the very source of life and strength and wisdom that i need for the day ahead. It's driving a car without replenishing the fuel, or going for a multi-day hike without bringing food and water.
For this new year, I really don't want to live the way i used to live. I want to begin each new day with my heavenly Father, and build a strong inner world with Him. I want to derive my sense of self-worth and identity from Him, rather than from achievement or men's approval. I want to live from the inside out, with a strong spirit and a godly purpose. I know my heavenly Father feels the same. His heart just can't wait to bless His children. He doesn't force Himself on us, but is always there, with arms wide open, waiting for us to return to Him.
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