Pre-TNF Singapore

Two weeks ago I completed what to me is the hardest race of my life - TMBT 2013. It took me more than 14 hours to endure the heat, the storm, the mud, the narrow cliff, the river, the darkness and the fatigue. In a sense, I feel happy that I finished such a tough course in a decent time. Aman - the race director had told me that he expected me to finish between 15-16 hours. At the same time, I can't hide my disappointment in not being able to defend the title and make my fellow countrymen proud. But I know this is the best I could do with the amount of training I have. 

Mentally and physically I feel that I am done for the year. Now even the thought of getting out for a 'training run' makes me tired. I am very reluctant to write this post, coz it feels like my weakness is being exposed here. But i cant deny the fact of the matter, which is - I am burning out. My worst fear seems to be coming true - that in midst of racing and competing, I might actually lose motivation and the joy to run. My mind is so focused on performing that I have failed to listen to my body. 

Today I went out for a 15km run, from a  initially planned 30km run. I just could not do it. My body was begging for me to stop most of the way. I tried to stretch it a little further, but I had to stop eventually at 15km mark. It then occurred to me that I am not ready to race another 100km next week. I think if I really force it, I could finish the race, but the after-damage would be hard to deal with. I may lose the joy of running altogether. 

This is a pretty hard pill for me to swallow. I must admit that ego stands in the way of me giving up the opportunity to race 100km. It feels like a cowardice behavior to quit, and I worry about what other people might say.  Rachel, in her usual caring and understanding tone, comforted me in saying that of everyone in the world, only I myself know how my body feels.  I should make wise decision based on truth (which is my body is tired and battered), rather than on untruth (what my ego or other people may say). She would support me in whatever decision I make, even if it's a unpopular one. 

I am thankful for my soul companion. Because she knows me the best, she knows my every weakness, she has my best intention in her heart, she is one person that I am going to have to listen to. 

So I decided to call Outdoor Venture to ask if I could downgrade my 100km to 50km. Since i have bought my flights, I might as well not waste it. In my heart, I was begging God. If it's Your will Lord, please let them allow me to downgrade to 50km. The lady (who will remain unnamed to protect her identity) that I spoke is very kind. She told me she would help me ask. And two hours later, I received a green light from her for me to switch to 50km. Phew.. What a relief it is for me. 

Now I just have to muster all I have to finish the last race of the year. This is the third time I am doing northface Singapore, but i still don't deal with the heat and humidity very well. The outcome doesn't matter. Am just looking forward to meet up with some runners there to share our stories. And also to go for food hunting after the race with one of my best friends - Caleb!