Pre-TNF Singapore

Two weeks ago I completed what to me is the hardest race of my life - TMBT 2013. It took me more than 14 hours to endure the heat, the storm, the mud, the narrow cliff, the river, the darkness and the fatigue. In a sense, I feel happy that I finished such a tough course in a decent time. Aman - the race director had told me that he expected me to finish between 15-16 hours. At the same time, I can't hide my disappointment in not being able to defend the title and make my fellow countrymen proud. But I know this is the best I could do with the amount of training I have. 

Mentally and physically I feel that I am done for the year. Now even the thought of getting out for a 'training run' makes me tired. I am very reluctant to write this post, coz it feels like my weakness is being exposed here. But i cant deny the fact of the matter, which is - I am burning out. My worst fear seems to be coming true - that in midst of racing and competing, I might actually lose motivation and the joy to run. My mind is so focused on performing that I have failed to listen to my body. 

Today I went out for a 15km run, from a  initially planned 30km run. I just could not do it. My body was begging for me to stop most of the way. I tried to stretch it a little further, but I had to stop eventually at 15km mark. It then occurred to me that I am not ready to race another 100km next week. I think if I really force it, I could finish the race, but the after-damage would be hard to deal with. I may lose the joy of running altogether. 

This is a pretty hard pill for me to swallow. I must admit that ego stands in the way of me giving up the opportunity to race 100km. It feels like a cowardice behavior to quit, and I worry about what other people might say.  Rachel, in her usual caring and understanding tone, comforted me in saying that of everyone in the world, only I myself know how my body feels.  I should make wise decision based on truth (which is my body is tired and battered), rather than on untruth (what my ego or other people may say). She would support me in whatever decision I make, even if it's a unpopular one. 

I am thankful for my soul companion. Because she knows me the best, she knows my every weakness, she has my best intention in her heart, she is one person that I am going to have to listen to. 

So I decided to call Outdoor Venture to ask if I could downgrade my 100km to 50km. Since i have bought my flights, I might as well not waste it. In my heart, I was begging God. If it's Your will Lord, please let them allow me to downgrade to 50km. The lady (who will remain unnamed to protect her identity) that I spoke is very kind. She told me she would help me ask. And two hours later, I received a green light from her for me to switch to 50km. Phew.. What a relief it is for me. 

Now I just have to muster all I have to finish the last race of the year. This is the third time I am doing northface Singapore, but i still don't deal with the heat and humidity very well. The outcome doesn't matter. Am just looking forward to meet up with some runners there to share our stories. And also to go for food hunting after the race with one of my best friends - Caleb! 

Per-race thoughts

It's hard to describe how i feel now. The highly anticipated event of the year -TMBT is around the corner again. This year, I am in the company of my wife and some of my best friends (all of whom are running the race too) - friends whom I have deep affection and respect for. It's really such a joy to be able to share the journey with them. 

It's a big contrast in terms of my condition, preparation and attitude between last year and this year. Last year I carried injuries into the race; this year I have been healthy so far (thank God!). Last year my training was frequently interrupted by niggles and injuries; this year I have had a fairly smooth, well-planned and consistent training. I guess the most important difference is my attitude toward the race. Last year because of my condition and the fact that it was my first 100km race,  I carried a lot of anxiety with me and i was totally reliant on God to do a miracle in me to complete the race. This year though, I feel quietly confident that if I do most things right on race day, I should be able to have a good race. Or will I? 

It's such self-confidence that worries me now. Would i be running with my own strength and will-power or will i be running in His strength and grace? Will i depend on my training, nutrition strategy, human wisdom to carry me through, or will i run with simplicity of joy and freedom, knowing that He has my back no matter what the outcome is? It's often said we are closest to God when we are most desperate. I remembered how i clung on to God every step of the way in the 100km race last year, praising Him and worshipping Him. Now my greatest fear is that I rely on myself to run the race.

Last weekend, I was down in Glasshouse 100 supporting my emergency medicine supervisor and mentor - Dr Simon Bugden. Whilst waiting for him to arrive at checkpoint, his wife shared a verse with me from the Psalms written by David which I have never come across in all my years of reading the bible.

'He (God) made my feet like the feet of a mountain goat..'. Psalm 18:33.

A few verses prior, David wrote, 'For by you i can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall.' Psalm 18:29

It was written by David, when he was hunted by King Saul in the wilderness. I have spending the past few days reading Psalm 18 (it's such a beautiful psalm) and 1 Samuel 19-26, which described the events of his escape from King Saul and the surrounding circumstances when he penned Psalm 18. What struck me most about the whole passage is how God-occupied David had been throughout. His life was in constant danger, but he held on to hope and gave himself to God in holy abandonment. He allowed God to be his moral compass, choosing not to harm God's anointed (King Saul) when he had the chance to even though King Saul sought to kill him multiple times. He had entrusted his life and the lives of his soldiers fully to God. Because of his obedience, God has availed Himself to David and delivered him from all the troubles and danger. 

What WALL will we be leaping over this Saturday? Will we have feet of a mountain goat? When we go through low points, when we are struggling with the pace, when the race does not go according to plan, when we suffer stomach upset or some accidental injury, how will we respond? 

In my heart, I am certain that if I trust in my own strength, i won't be able to go far. For obvious reason of increased difficulty of race course and tougher competition, God has enabled me to train with better consistency and efficiency this time, because I will have a much higher wall to leap over, and I will have my own Goliath to face. I want to do my Heavenly Father proud, I want to run with my heart totally set on glorifying Him and in gratitude to Him for bestowing me this gift of running. Yes I will have fear and anxiety; sometimes I will be too pre-occupied with myself and race plan rather than God; Yes I won't deny that at times I could let the competitive demon get the better of me. But I know, and I know, and I know that these momentary struggles and weaknesses will not hinder Him from doing His work in me. He has set my feet upon the rock, and even if I stumble, He will not let me fall. This does not mean i will win the race. But it does mean that God has my back and will carry on His purpose for me to completion. Such is the blessed assurance that I have. 

Dear reader, if you have not yet known the extravagant love of God, of how He died for you and me on the cross, how He wants to love you and give you a hope and a purpose, how He wants to spend eternity with you, I pray that you will one day receive His love into your heart. Your life will never be the same again. 

2 weeks before TMBT

Finally the race of the year is just around the corner. TMBT is without a doubt the most challenging race in my calendar and one that I have been most looking forward to this year.

In the past 2-3 months, I have trained quite consistently, gradually building my weekly mileage to around 120-150km/week, focusing on a lot of elevation, which includes uphill and downhill running, medium long run, back-to-back long run. I also took a lot of time to test my gear and nutrition, and modifying my gear to make it ultra-friendly. Something amazing which i have to say is I have been largely injury-free this year. I am not sure whether it's wiser training, or better muscular and skeletal adaptation from last year's training, or new pair of shoes, I have been able to train without any interruption due to injury. This year, I have decided to try on new pair of Hoka One One, Stinson Evo Tarmac and Trail. Mostly out of desperation, I approached Hoka initially with some kind of skepticism,  but since everything I have read it from the internet is great, I thought i would give it a try. It turned out to be a great decision! Not my favourite type of shoes (the extra cushioning just dulls my feet proprioception of the ground), but surely one which works very well and reduces muscular strain after a long run, thereby preventing overuse injuries. Having said that, I still make sure I run in my minimalist Asics Piranha 4 in my shorter run every now and then to maintain my running form and strengthen my lower leg muscles.

I have participated in a few shorter races to test my endurance and speed. On 28 July, I ran the Flinders Tour 50km, a race which i finished 6th in 4:32 last year. I went into the race with an aim to finish top 3 and improve on my time. At the start line, I bumped into Greg and his very pregnant wife - Sarah. (Greg overtook me in the last 1 km of Mt Mee Marathon and has a marathon best of 2:40) This is going to be a fast race i thought.  When the gun went off, we both jumped into the lead. Shortly after the start, we were joined by Patrick (last year's defending champion with a time of 4:06). This made the lead pack a group of 3, and we set the pace together. It was fun running with them, and the first half of the race was filled with frequent chatter and laughter as we trod along the bush. Just before the half way point, I broke away from the group and made my way up to Mt Beerburrum. In the second half, I took two wrong turns, first one on my own (which resulted in both Patrick and Greg running ahead of me), and the second one with Patrick when we both pulled away from Greg. I probably lost in total around 8-10 mins, and i ran an additional 2km as compared to the eventual winner Greg. With that, no matter how hard i tried, i could not catch up with Greg who had surged ahead when Patrick and I lost our way. Finally I finished in 2nd place in 3:58, Greg in 1st place in 3:51 and Patrick in 3rd place in 4:04. I was satisfied with the result - a sub-4 50km (The actual distance in my watch is 51km), a big improvement from last year's time.

Greg (left), Patrick (middle) and I

On 22 August, I participated in another ultra-running research in University of Sunshine Coast conducted by Hugo - a French exercise physiologist who is currently in his final project for his PhD in Australia. It consists of two components. First - a VO2 max measurement. I have never done a VO2 max before, so i was excited to try out to find out my number. There was some last minute mess-up when my nose piece dropped out. My final measurement is 75, and Hugo said i could go a bit higher like ~78. The second was a 6hr treadmill run, which includes 4 x 6 mins of 10% of incline at 10km/hr. This added some nice variety to the otherwise monotonous flat running on a treadmill. I ran a total distance of 72.84km, which is an improvement from my previous 6hr Caboolture Historical Village run (69.56km). I think the main difference this time (other than the fact that my legs are stronger) is I have started out in a more conservative pace, which allowed me to maintain throughout the 6hr.

Hugo attaching the electrodes in my quads and calf

VO2 max

Hugo explaining to the students what the 6hr treadmill is all about

Collecting data from the quads, calf and brain

A very modern exercise lab

Juggling between family time, working, spending time with God and training are indeed no easy task. I think i have been stretched so much in the last few months, and it feels like I have always been skirting around the edge of the cliff. I am glad God has pulled me through this period, giving me the motivation and strength to wake up each day for the seemingly mundane task of training and working, granting me the wisdom to decide when to push and when to rest, and allowing the body and the mind to hold up in this intense period of training. This has further confirmed the decision that I have made in my heart that I don't want to run competitively for long term. The toll and sacrifice it has on the mind and body is simply too great. It's always been clear to me that running is a stepping stone to something greater in the mission field in the future. There is a season in life for everything. As for now, I have a few more goals in running i would like to achieve before I focus my time and energy on something else.