True friend

Four days ago, one of my best friends Jeremy Boy came over to hand me some running gear that i purchased from the US. He stayed for  dinner and we ended up chatting till midnight.

It's so important to have true friends in life. Jeremy Boy - a friend i have known for almost 10 years, has been with me through many trials and challenges. At many low points of my life, he was there. His insight into life, and more specifically my life, allows me to share my thoughts freely with him without any fear of rejection. I was able to share with him what i have suppressed or hidden in my life for so long. Thoughts and attitude which i didn't even know existed in me, were all articulated and vented during our sharing.

I realised that all these years of living and working in Australia, my heart has turned cold. People's life stories no longer interest me anymore. He told me of two people he met in Darwin, one is a Iraqi doctor whose father was murdered by Sadam Hussein, and the other was 76 year old man who used to sell sex to other man when he was a 8 year old boy just to earn a living. He was trying to convince me that everyone has a story to tell, if we were to listen. And whilst that's a belief that i held firmly to when i was younger, now my hardened heart no longer subscribes to it. I insisted that no, not everyone has an interesting story like that. Some people have incredibly boring or selfish story, where their life's greatest achievement is posting selfie on Facebook to get as many likes, or acquiring the latest Apple gadgets in the market, or decorating their 8 weeks-old baby to be like a super model. There is nothing interesting about such self-centred achievements.

This is truly a far cry to the person that i was before. I was shocked to hear these words coming from my mouth. But i could not deny, that these words have been residing in my heart for a long time, slowly growing in force, infecting and infiltrating into other areas of my thought life. I remembered listening to an elderly Christian couple sharing about their little 'miracle' of gathering supplies and donation to send to Fiji a few months ago. The sense of excitement was evident on the man's face as he recounted God's faithfulness in arranging the circumstances. As i listened, i was nodding in agreement and and saying Amen on the outside. A small part of me was genuinely happy for them. But at the same time, my 'old cynical self' just refused to rejoice. It went like: ya ya ya, another of those Christian stories of God-helped-me-so-i-succeed.

All these years of not tending to my soul, or burying myself in work and running, have finally had its toll on me. My heart has become cold toward God and people. It's not that i dislike being with people or talking to them. It's just that I find it hard to derive a sense of joy and curiosity in knowing people, and because of my pride, arrogance and pre-occupation with my own problems, I find it hard to place myself in their shoes to understand them. The Bible says: rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15). But I have lost this heart of compassion.

So everyday I put on a facade, pretending to be nice to people when i really don't care about them.

It's easy to go for a good run in some exotic place, achieve some results, post a nice photo with a big smile on Facebook, and still pass off as being a nice guy. It's easy to make people believe that we are better than what we really are, show off nice photos of our babies as if parenting is such a bliss and our babies could sleep well and eat well and never cry.

But when rubber meets the road, when our friends call us at 2am needing a listening ear, that's when our hearts are revealed. I pray that as I seek God this year,  He will give me a new heart and a new spirit. He will take out my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26).

Elusive Time

As i sit here waiting to board my flight, i realised that i don't get much opportunity like this, just to sit here and have nothing to do. When i say having nothing to do, there are still of course a million things which occupy my minds - where to bring my wife for our wedding anniversary, what gear to buy so i could bring Jonas for a hike and cycle, when to start writing the male breast cancer and unusual hibernoma case report, which books should i read, when and how should i start running and training for marathon, how to be better in my work to impress my boss, what movies to watch etc. My brain just never stops. 

Life just kinda feels like i have arrived at a movie thirty minutes late. Everything i do, there are always 600 other things waiting to be done. I feel I am constantly behind, trying to figure out the story plot, chasing deadline, trying to fulfil my promise and commitment, and hoping at the end of the day, things will work out. 

I used to be able to sit down in silence in my devotional time with God, where i lost track of time and just enjoying close connection and spiritual intimacy with my heavenly Father. But now, when i sit down for more than 30 seconds, my mind starts racing and thinking what to do next. Even when i set aside time to read the bible or just for prayer, i always set a time that i must 'finish' my quiet time. If i don't, I won't be able to finish all the tasks for the day. 

It seems like life has become such a rush for me. Having said that, i probably can't recall a time when i actually have free time. Ever since high school, I have always packed my schedules real tight such that there is minimal free time. All through high school, college and university, it has always been studies, church, christian fellowship, Boys' Brigade, infinity milers, friends, running. Now I am working full time on a job that demands so much of me, and having a family and a new baby that need constant attention, my free time is essentially non-existent.  

This is not the way i want to live. At this rate, I am bound to crash at some point or head toward burn-out. I remember reading a book when i was 18 titled - 'Ordering Your Private World' by Gordon MacDonald. The book warns against the barrenness of a busy life and urges us to build a strong inner world and spirit with God so we are able to face the challenges of the external world. It encourages us to live from the centre, from the inside out, instead of the other round. 

I need to remind myself that every new day is a gift from God. He is our heavenly Father who desires to spend time with us, fulfil us, give us joy, hope and peace, guide our everyday decision, and supply us with the strength and wisdom for the challenges that lie ahead. God is not that angry or sulky-looking guy up there who is always disappointed and dissatisfied with us, who always says no to our every request. He is the very essence of  Joy itself, and His heart is for His children.

Each time i start my day chasing deadlines and goals, I neglect the very source of life and strength and wisdom that i need for the day ahead. It's driving a car without replenishing the fuel, or going for a multi-day hike without bringing food and water.

For this new year, I really don't want to live the way i used to live. I want to begin each new day with my heavenly Father, and build a strong inner world with Him. I want to derive my sense of self-worth and identity from Him, rather than from achievement or men's approval. I want to live from the inside out, with a strong spirit and a godly purpose. I know my heavenly Father feels the same. His heart just can't wait to bless His children. He doesn't force Himself on us, but is always there, with arms wide open, waiting for us to return to Him.