My calling - Part 1

I have been thinking a lot about what I should write in my next post during my runs. I know most of my writings are about running coz it's something that I am passionate about but it's not the only thing in my life. In fact, compared to my deepest passion, running fades in comparison. I see ultra-running as a stepping stone, as a preparation to what i really want to do in the future. Lately God has been impressing upon me durings my runs to ponder upon His true calling for me, on how He led me thru many trials and challenges to enter into medical school, excel in it, graduate and now working with some great doctors in a regional hospital. Indeed He has planned the path so meticulously to work on my heart, character, skill, knowledge and competency to prepare me for His work in the mission field in the future. when I realised how much I may have deviated from His purpose, my heart just wept.

I have wanted to be a missionary doctor even before I entered medical school. But I guess it's partly idealistic, partly naive, partly selfish (in thinking it's really cool to be one), partly ignorant that I have such desire in my heart. It's no wonder that whenever i try to explain to older adults about what i wanted to do, they would either tell me off or dismiss me as idealistic. God knew all the self-serving motives I have in my heart so He allowed certain difficult events to break me, to tear down all my self-sufficiency, and then to rebuild me again. He also made it possible for me to meet up with true missionary doctors to help understand what mission work entails. Only then did I realize that to go into 'mission field' means carrying the cross daily, going to places where gospels are unheard of, loving the people first, and then sharing the good news of the love of God and Jesus Christ with them when the time is right. It's built on total dependence on God and His guidance, and obeying His voice, acting boldly and taking risks.

In university, I caught a glimpse of God's heartbeat and His extravagant love for people, even the worst sinners. At that moment, dumb-founded and yet completely changed by His great love, I began to lead a missionary life in university. In my first year, I was very involved in club activities and would speak to anyone who is interested to know if there is something more to life than what they see now. In my second year, I was elected president of a running and mountain climbing club - the Infinity milers. My best mates and I spent countless hours building the club, creating new tradition, nurturing the members, organizing mountain trips and races. All in all, our underlying motivation is to give the juniors a glimpse of God's love and His power at work. And in my third year, after passing on Infinity Milers to the next batch of leaders - Raymun (who is now one of my best friends and an ultra-runner himself) and his gang, I was elected president of Christian Fellowship. It's a huge privilege and responsibility which I relish. My soul was on fire then and I was always thinking of something new and catchy to attract the attention of non-Christians. Together with the committee members, we were acting as God's agents in our university to be the salt and light that Jesus calls us to be.

Milers Mt Liang East & West expedition

Milers training

Milers debriefing

Three generations Miler presidents. From left - Jackie (2006), Raymun (2008) and me (2007)

CF committee Feb 2008

CF committee August 2008

Cambodia mission trip 2007.

Then something unexpected happened. At the peak of my ministry, I stumbled in my walk in Christ. I sinned. (I won't go into details of it this time). I went into depression immediately and I could not face up to anyone in university. I was overwhelmed with immerse guilt, and instantly my whole ministry collapsed. Now in retrospect, I saw how my busy life, my failure to guard my private life and my inability to say no have created an opening for sin to creep into my life. How devastating the effect of sin is. I was spiritually crippled, and my time in university in Malaysia eventually came into a sad and abrupt end, and I left for Australia for my second phase of medical training.


In Australia, I chose a hospital that is far from the city to train coz I wanted a quiet place to rehabilitate my spirit. I wanted to be away from people. Since the incident, I have lost all my spiritual appetite and zeal. In church I would sit in the last roll. Everyday I pray that God will forgive me for what I have done and heal me from my wound and restore joy to my heart again. Every now and again, I would head for a run. After my run, I would go to a small field nearby my house and just lay there and look at the sky, and silently hope God would hear my prayer.

Psalm 51 became my favorite psalm. 'A broken spirit, and a contrite heart, You (God) will not despise, You will not despise... You desire truth, in the inward part. A broken spirit, and a contrite heart.'

Slowly God began to draw me to Him again. I realised that all these while when i thought He has forsaken me, He was in fact quietly preparing me to undergo 'dark night of the soul' and that His love never left me. Most nights on my bed, I would pray until I fell asleep. A strange peace would envelope me, and it then occurred to me that any parent would relish the moment where their kids fall asleep in their arms. Our heavenly Father smiles at us when we sleep in His embrace.

Then came a fantastic opportunity for me to go to South Africa for four months to learn as a medical student! Arranging all the paperwork with the hospital in South Africa and getting approval is an almost impossible task. In my mind, I have no doubt that God was secretly orchestrating events to allow me to get the final approval from the hospital and university in South Africa and my medical school in Australia.

In South Africa, I saw the depravity and desperation of human lives. There was so much sickness, violence, poverty, pain, deceit and injustice everywhere. Even amongst the Christians, there is bribery, lack of integrity, laziness  and subtle racism. However, I had a great time as a medical student and I was constantly placing myself at where the actions were. I learned so much in the way of infectious diseases and trauma management. Sometimes the work got too much, and I became emotionally and physically drained. Faced with seemingly un-winnable and inexhaustible battles and such godless and depraved environment. I questioned how I was ever going to make it as a missionary doctor. I was reading a book - Running with Horses by Eugene Peterson (author of the Message) then, and God again reminded me to persevere. 'If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses?' Jeremiah 12:5. This has since become my theme verse.

My colleagues in South Africa

It's also in South Africa that I stumbled on ultra-running. This is another story and I won't tell it here.. In short, running became my escape and my personal time with God. It also sharpens my character, toughens my feeble feet, and  prepares my body for the rigours of mission life. I feel recharged each time after I head out for a run, especially in the trail in the natural environment.

My first ultramarathon - Two Oceans Ultra-Marathon 56km.

Ok I shall end here part 1 here. It details events which were significant in my life up to the point before I graduate. Part 2 I will be sharing about my work, how my view of medicine has changed since I started work, how running fits into all of this, and where I think God is leading me in the future. Thank you for your time in reading this. :)