Reflection

As the year comes to a close, I thought I should reflect upon the year which has passed, and then prayerfully seek for directions and guidance for the new year.

So many things happened this year: I married the girl of my life, we set up a family of our own, we went to Europe for the first time for our honeymoon, I participated in a lot more races and widened my experience in trail ultra-racing, there were setbacks at work, there were valuable lesions that I have learned at work, a dear friend passed away in a waterfall accident, my love for God and interest for spiritual matters fluctuated a lot this year, one of my best friends broke up after a stable relationship of four years, I took a break from running after northface singapore etc. As much as I have tried to plan my life a certain way to avoid disappointment and keep things under control, unexpected things happen which swung me out of balance and my comfort zone.

Bachelor's Party with the 2 Js. 

Marrying the girl of my life

Caleb (middle) - one of my best friends got married this year

Honeymoon in Sweden

Northcape - watching midnight sun

My brothers in Christ

Bringing my in-laws for a walk around our house

The two horses who live with us

Fraser Island

Kevin (right) - a man who has such a big heart for people, passed away in a tragic waterfall accident while trying to rescue someone 

Adelene Williams - a friend in my hometown, who is both beautiful and godly, passed away in a tender age of 28 from SLE

No matter what the events are, it seems like the objects of my reflection always revolve around these five themes: God/spirituality, marriage, running, work/medicine, and friendship. Each of the above subjects deserves a proper look into as they are things which i hold very special in my heart. My walk with God has been very shaky and sometimes almost non-existent, especially toward the later part of the year, mainly because i have wilfully chosen not to place Him first. As for marriage, it has its ups and downs. The joy of having a companion who shares the same bed and roof as you is so very real, which on the flip side, also drives each other mad sometimes. I will talk about these some other time.

For this post, i will share what I have learned from running this year. I have learned that if you put your heart and soul into something, be willing to work extremely hard and suffer, you will most certainly achieve what you set out to do. I have surprised myself in many ways in my running journey this year. I would say from the outset that I have never been a great runner. I only really picked up running when I was 16 and I have been inconsistent in my training, hence producing only very average results. Prior to 2012, I have never officially ran a sub-40 min 10km or sub-3hr marathon. I never thought there were possible for me. It's only in 2012 when I started training high mileage(~100-140km/week) and throwing in some high intensity work-up that I began to see that maybe I have been wrong all these while. What i had done subconsciously is setting limitation on myself such that I never even dared to dream of doing something faster.

Look, no one taught me how to train before. I never had a coach, or a training manual which tells me the purpose of each type of training run: long run, tempo run, fartlek, speed intervals, uphill sprints, downhill sprints etc. After reading Born to Run in 2011 when I was in South Africa, I got infected with the running bug and started running long distance as I wanted to see how far and how long i can go. After finishing first in TMBT 50km 2011 (my first win in a major race), I started to believe that maybe I do have what it takes to run fast, especially in ultra-distances. 2012 was a year of alternating intensive high mileage weeks and injuries for me. Even though I did not have any outstanding performance leading up to TMBT, I managed to - with God's strength - win TMBT 100km. Thinking back, it was definitely a miracle because I completely buggered both my knees up three weeks from the race. That was the turning point for me. It was then that I started to believe that you can achieve anything you put your heart and soul into.

TMBT 50km 2011

TMBT 100km 2012

How I love the ice bath!

During the lay-off period between 2012 and 2013 racing season, I started to research more into running techniques, forms, training programmes etc. I bought a number of books to understand more about the sport. Some notable great books I have read are: The greatest: The Haile Gebrselassie Story, Hansons Marathon Method, Running with joy by Ryan Hall, and More Fire: How to train the Kenyan Way, Eat and Run by Scott Jurek. Then I extracted their training programmes and created something which suited my time and style. I started alternating my easy-moderate runs with intensive speed work-out. The easy-moderate run is to build a superior aerobic base, whereas the speed and tempo sessions are meant to add extra space into my lungs and build explosive strength in my legs. As a result, I finished second in Mt Mee Marathon in a time of 3:13, with ~1000m of elevation gain. Were it be flat, I think I could have gone 2:45-2:50. Three weeks later, I won my first solo race in Australia in the Cook's Tour 50km. After that, my confidence increased and I continued to plan my training strategically and specifically for the race that I was doing. The result? A podium finish in all the other races that I participated (except a DNF in Northface Singapore).

Finishing 2nd in Flinder's Tour 50km after taking two wrong turns and ended running 2km extra

TMBT 100km 2013

I was not saying the above in an arrogant or self-centred manner. The point I was making is: If you really believe you could do something, and are willing to pay the price and suffer for it, you will achieve what you set out to do. However, it's important to note that, hard work is one side of the coin. Success also requires a tremendous amount of drive and self-motivation, with a considerable dosage of smart and intelligence in understanding the science of running and your own body. If you are running the same distance, same time, same pace, and the same terrain every day, you are likely not to improve. It's by varying the terrain and the pace which help to broaden your running capability.

My biggest regret this year is not being able to run a road marathon. I scored ~76-78 for my VO2 max this year. The reason I don't have a precise reading is because the nose piece fell out in the last minute of the trial, causing my breath to escape. Hugo told me I could have even reached 80 if I had continued with the nose piece intact - the highest he has ever measured in an athlete (For comparison, Kilian Jornet scored 89 during the summit of my life project). Yes you can argue that VO2 max is just another reading which has no predictive value whatsoever in how fast a person can run. Running time also rests on another important factor: the running economy (which measures your running efficiency). I would add that a person's mental strength, pain tolerance, motivating factor also play an equally important role in determining the success of his/her career. With a reasonably high VO2 max and relatively good running economy, I am excited to see how fast i can go in a road marathon. I am predicting something in the range of 2:35-2:45. If i really train my butt off (and have all the essential checklist of a successful running reason ticked off), I think i may even be able to go under 2:35.

VO2 max test

My next biggest regrets are: not being able to join the Tour de Malaysia run and not being able to traverse Titiwangsa Range (in Malaysia) in the fastest time possible. My schedules this year have been stretched to the limit such that I could not fork out any extra time to join them in the quest. Allan Lee and Seow Kong (the core runners in Tour de Malaysia run) are good friends and folks whom i admire a lot. What they have done in Malaysia and in their own running career are simply phenomenal. I can only wish I could emulate half of what they have achieved.

Two legendary runners in Malaysia - Seow Kong and Allan Lee

Actually, saying the above means nothing now. Because there is no way I would be able to do them, at least not in the next four years. I am announcing this because I have completely different priorities in life now. One of them is - without a question - my work. I have been spending most of my time in the past two years running that I have spared little time to improve my medical knowledge and skill. It is a deliberate decision that I had made in the beginning of my internship that I wanted to invest more time in running, because hey, If i really wanted to pursue my passion, this is the time to do it right? Especially in the first two years of work when people don't demand so much from you. After this, people started to expect more from you. So I am making plans now to seriously discipline myself to study and read widely. Sometimes I have to remind myself of the following: Running is my passion; but medicine is my calling. I have an even stronger responsibility toward the sick, and my number one aim is to help relieve them of their suffering. So after messing around for two years, now is time to work hard.

I will share the other priority some time in the future, when the time is right. :D

I have two more races to do in 2014, and after that, no more. First race is Burden run on 26 Jan in University Malaysia. I have been intrigued to run this race because the idea of running with a 10kg sand bag sounds fun to me. The next race is Titi 50km/100km on 14 Feb, a race organised by a great friend Allan Lee and friends. I am only doing the shorter distance which is 50km, because i don't have the time and energy to train for another 100km. I am looking forward to racing in home soil.

So i will be saying goodbye to competitive running pretty soon. While I do so with a heavy heart, I can only say that this would only lead to a greater good. Human can only do that much. I believe that God has His plan and I have to be obedient in following His ways.

I went for a run with Bruce Cook this evening and I was listening to his stories. This man is a running legend, who has PRed in every distance from 3km - 100km back in the 80s and 90s. He ran 8:24 for 3km, 30:14 for 10km, 1:08 for 21km, 2:28 for 42km, 3:10 for 50km, 5:56 for 80km and 7:31 for 100km. While listening to his secrets for success, I can't help but to be in awe of what he has achieved. At the end of the run i asked him: 'Bruce, do you think i would still be able to run my personal best when i make a come-back in my 30s?' Without any hesitation, he said: Hell ya! 

Why do bad things happen to good people?

I sit alone in my darkened bedroom staring into blank space for what must have felt like eternity. My heart and mind are a messy wreck, and i keep having flashback to events in the waterfall where Kevin drowned. I have so many questions in my heart surrounding the event, the most important of all  is why has God allowed this to happen?

Kevin's death came as a shock to many of us. He is a faithful and loving husband, a great father, a loyal friend, and a wise mentor to a lot of young people. Many of us simply could not believe God would 'take' someone so young and strong and vibrant with such a bright ministry future ahead of him. I think about Adele, who now has to shoulder the sole responsibility of caring for the two kids. Who will be sharing her joy and holding her hands during her daughter's graduation or son's wedding? I think about Zoe (Kevin's elder daughter), how she must have missed all the bedside stories daddy has been telling her and all the early morning cuddling. I think about of Lukas who has not even turned one, who is still laying peacefully in his cradle, ignorant of all that is going on around him. He must have so many questions about his father when he grows up, and how difficult it would be to grow up without a father, coach and mentor.

I have often heard Christians making things worse by offering contradictory and confusing counsel in the face of life's bedeviling events. God is punishing you. No it's Satan! Neither: God has afflicted you out of love, not punishment, for you've been specially chosen to demonstrate faith. No God wants you healed... So many different answers, yet offering so little comfort to the broken hearted.

I have no idea how to respond to these remarks. In truth, I need answers myself more than anything else. I believe in a heavenly Father who loves his children and wishes good for us all. While I do not believe that God caused this to happen to Kevin, my struggle is why He could have helped Kevin but did not intervene? If God did not protect His people and innocent children who were tortured (while some even cried out to God to save them), how do I have faith that God will protect people close to me?

I don't think i will ever find answers to these unsettling questions, at least not in this life time. This is part of the mystery of living in this broken, fallen world. To think that we would be shielded from life's catastrophic events by the virtue of the fact that we are God's children is, at its best idealistic, and at its worse plain naive. Maybe the only way to protect ourselves is stay out of trouble's way, to micro-manage our lives to eliminate all risks and danger. Even then, we can't run away from diseases and illnesses and cancers, from anxiety and depression - which are things from within us rather than without.

Perhaps the only comfort i take is - Kevin has fought the good fight of faith, and he now stands together with the rest of the saints in the heavenly realm. I believe that he is with Jesus now, standing next to Jesus, holding Jesus's hands, talking with Jesus.. He is the safest and the most beautiful place he could be at, finding eternal rest for his soul, smiling at his family from heaven and interceding for the rest of us.

We will meet again in heaven, my dear brother.

Devastated...

Am utterly devastated to hear of the loss of a dear brother and friend. Though we have not officially met, I have heard a lot of things about you. Your love for God, people, mission and adventure - they all are a huge inspiration to me. How I wish we were good friends, that we could exchange great conversation and ideas, that i could listen to your life experiences and learn from them. How I wish I was there at the waterfall, who knows, maybe I would be able to find you underneath the water... You will always be in our hearts. Your legacy will live forever. When life on earth ends, we will see you again in heaven, my dear brother.

Pre-TNF Singapore

Two weeks ago I completed what to me is the hardest race of my life - TMBT 2013. It took me more than 14 hours to endure the heat, the storm, the mud, the narrow cliff, the river, the darkness and the fatigue. In a sense, I feel happy that I finished such a tough course in a decent time. Aman - the race director had told me that he expected me to finish between 15-16 hours. At the same time, I can't hide my disappointment in not being able to defend the title and make my fellow countrymen proud. But I know this is the best I could do with the amount of training I have. 

Mentally and physically I feel that I am done for the year. Now even the thought of getting out for a 'training run' makes me tired. I am very reluctant to write this post, coz it feels like my weakness is being exposed here. But i cant deny the fact of the matter, which is - I am burning out. My worst fear seems to be coming true - that in midst of racing and competing, I might actually lose motivation and the joy to run. My mind is so focused on performing that I have failed to listen to my body. 

Today I went out for a 15km run, from a  initially planned 30km run. I just could not do it. My body was begging for me to stop most of the way. I tried to stretch it a little further, but I had to stop eventually at 15km mark. It then occurred to me that I am not ready to race another 100km next week. I think if I really force it, I could finish the race, but the after-damage would be hard to deal with. I may lose the joy of running altogether. 

This is a pretty hard pill for me to swallow. I must admit that ego stands in the way of me giving up the opportunity to race 100km. It feels like a cowardice behavior to quit, and I worry about what other people might say.  Rachel, in her usual caring and understanding tone, comforted me in saying that of everyone in the world, only I myself know how my body feels.  I should make wise decision based on truth (which is my body is tired and battered), rather than on untruth (what my ego or other people may say). She would support me in whatever decision I make, even if it's a unpopular one. 

I am thankful for my soul companion. Because she knows me the best, she knows my every weakness, she has my best intention in her heart, she is one person that I am going to have to listen to. 

So I decided to call Outdoor Venture to ask if I could downgrade my 100km to 50km. Since i have bought my flights, I might as well not waste it. In my heart, I was begging God. If it's Your will Lord, please let them allow me to downgrade to 50km. The lady (who will remain unnamed to protect her identity) that I spoke is very kind. She told me she would help me ask. And two hours later, I received a green light from her for me to switch to 50km. Phew.. What a relief it is for me. 

Now I just have to muster all I have to finish the last race of the year. This is the third time I am doing northface Singapore, but i still don't deal with the heat and humidity very well. The outcome doesn't matter. Am just looking forward to meet up with some runners there to share our stories. And also to go for food hunting after the race with one of my best friends - Caleb! 

Per-race thoughts

It's hard to describe how i feel now. The highly anticipated event of the year -TMBT is around the corner again. This year, I am in the company of my wife and some of my best friends (all of whom are running the race too) - friends whom I have deep affection and respect for. It's really such a joy to be able to share the journey with them. 

It's a big contrast in terms of my condition, preparation and attitude between last year and this year. Last year I carried injuries into the race; this year I have been healthy so far (thank God!). Last year my training was frequently interrupted by niggles and injuries; this year I have had a fairly smooth, well-planned and consistent training. I guess the most important difference is my attitude toward the race. Last year because of my condition and the fact that it was my first 100km race,  I carried a lot of anxiety with me and i was totally reliant on God to do a miracle in me to complete the race. This year though, I feel quietly confident that if I do most things right on race day, I should be able to have a good race. Or will I? 

It's such self-confidence that worries me now. Would i be running with my own strength and will-power or will i be running in His strength and grace? Will i depend on my training, nutrition strategy, human wisdom to carry me through, or will i run with simplicity of joy and freedom, knowing that He has my back no matter what the outcome is? It's often said we are closest to God when we are most desperate. I remembered how i clung on to God every step of the way in the 100km race last year, praising Him and worshipping Him. Now my greatest fear is that I rely on myself to run the race.

Last weekend, I was down in Glasshouse 100 supporting my emergency medicine supervisor and mentor - Dr Simon Bugden. Whilst waiting for him to arrive at checkpoint, his wife shared a verse with me from the Psalms written by David which I have never come across in all my years of reading the bible.

'He (God) made my feet like the feet of a mountain goat..'. Psalm 18:33.

A few verses prior, David wrote, 'For by you i can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall.' Psalm 18:29

It was written by David, when he was hunted by King Saul in the wilderness. I have spending the past few days reading Psalm 18 (it's such a beautiful psalm) and 1 Samuel 19-26, which described the events of his escape from King Saul and the surrounding circumstances when he penned Psalm 18. What struck me most about the whole passage is how God-occupied David had been throughout. His life was in constant danger, but he held on to hope and gave himself to God in holy abandonment. He allowed God to be his moral compass, choosing not to harm God's anointed (King Saul) when he had the chance to even though King Saul sought to kill him multiple times. He had entrusted his life and the lives of his soldiers fully to God. Because of his obedience, God has availed Himself to David and delivered him from all the troubles and danger. 

What WALL will we be leaping over this Saturday? Will we have feet of a mountain goat? When we go through low points, when we are struggling with the pace, when the race does not go according to plan, when we suffer stomach upset or some accidental injury, how will we respond? 

In my heart, I am certain that if I trust in my own strength, i won't be able to go far. For obvious reason of increased difficulty of race course and tougher competition, God has enabled me to train with better consistency and efficiency this time, because I will have a much higher wall to leap over, and I will have my own Goliath to face. I want to do my Heavenly Father proud, I want to run with my heart totally set on glorifying Him and in gratitude to Him for bestowing me this gift of running. Yes I will have fear and anxiety; sometimes I will be too pre-occupied with myself and race plan rather than God; Yes I won't deny that at times I could let the competitive demon get the better of me. But I know, and I know, and I know that these momentary struggles and weaknesses will not hinder Him from doing His work in me. He has set my feet upon the rock, and even if I stumble, He will not let me fall. This does not mean i will win the race. But it does mean that God has my back and will carry on His purpose for me to completion. Such is the blessed assurance that I have. 

Dear reader, if you have not yet known the extravagant love of God, of how He died for you and me on the cross, how He wants to love you and give you a hope and a purpose, how He wants to spend eternity with you, I pray that you will one day receive His love into your heart. Your life will never be the same again. 

2 weeks before TMBT

Finally the race of the year is just around the corner. TMBT is without a doubt the most challenging race in my calendar and one that I have been most looking forward to this year.

In the past 2-3 months, I have trained quite consistently, gradually building my weekly mileage to around 120-150km/week, focusing on a lot of elevation, which includes uphill and downhill running, medium long run, back-to-back long run. I also took a lot of time to test my gear and nutrition, and modifying my gear to make it ultra-friendly. Something amazing which i have to say is I have been largely injury-free this year. I am not sure whether it's wiser training, or better muscular and skeletal adaptation from last year's training, or new pair of shoes, I have been able to train without any interruption due to injury. This year, I have decided to try on new pair of Hoka One One, Stinson Evo Tarmac and Trail. Mostly out of desperation, I approached Hoka initially with some kind of skepticism,  but since everything I have read it from the internet is great, I thought i would give it a try. It turned out to be a great decision! Not my favourite type of shoes (the extra cushioning just dulls my feet proprioception of the ground), but surely one which works very well and reduces muscular strain after a long run, thereby preventing overuse injuries. Having said that, I still make sure I run in my minimalist Asics Piranha 4 in my shorter run every now and then to maintain my running form and strengthen my lower leg muscles.

I have participated in a few shorter races to test my endurance and speed. On 28 July, I ran the Flinders Tour 50km, a race which i finished 6th in 4:32 last year. I went into the race with an aim to finish top 3 and improve on my time. At the start line, I bumped into Greg and his very pregnant wife - Sarah. (Greg overtook me in the last 1 km of Mt Mee Marathon and has a marathon best of 2:40) This is going to be a fast race i thought.  When the gun went off, we both jumped into the lead. Shortly after the start, we were joined by Patrick (last year's defending champion with a time of 4:06). This made the lead pack a group of 3, and we set the pace together. It was fun running with them, and the first half of the race was filled with frequent chatter and laughter as we trod along the bush. Just before the half way point, I broke away from the group and made my way up to Mt Beerburrum. In the second half, I took two wrong turns, first one on my own (which resulted in both Patrick and Greg running ahead of me), and the second one with Patrick when we both pulled away from Greg. I probably lost in total around 8-10 mins, and i ran an additional 2km as compared to the eventual winner Greg. With that, no matter how hard i tried, i could not catch up with Greg who had surged ahead when Patrick and I lost our way. Finally I finished in 2nd place in 3:58, Greg in 1st place in 3:51 and Patrick in 3rd place in 4:04. I was satisfied with the result - a sub-4 50km (The actual distance in my watch is 51km), a big improvement from last year's time.

Greg (left), Patrick (middle) and I

On 22 August, I participated in another ultra-running research in University of Sunshine Coast conducted by Hugo - a French exercise physiologist who is currently in his final project for his PhD in Australia. It consists of two components. First - a VO2 max measurement. I have never done a VO2 max before, so i was excited to try out to find out my number. There was some last minute mess-up when my nose piece dropped out. My final measurement is 75, and Hugo said i could go a bit higher like ~78. The second was a 6hr treadmill run, which includes 4 x 6 mins of 10% of incline at 10km/hr. This added some nice variety to the otherwise monotonous flat running on a treadmill. I ran a total distance of 72.84km, which is an improvement from my previous 6hr Caboolture Historical Village run (69.56km). I think the main difference this time (other than the fact that my legs are stronger) is I have started out in a more conservative pace, which allowed me to maintain throughout the 6hr.

Hugo attaching the electrodes in my quads and calf

VO2 max

Hugo explaining to the students what the 6hr treadmill is all about

Collecting data from the quads, calf and brain

A very modern exercise lab

Juggling between family time, working, spending time with God and training are indeed no easy task. I think i have been stretched so much in the last few months, and it feels like I have always been skirting around the edge of the cliff. I am glad God has pulled me through this period, giving me the motivation and strength to wake up each day for the seemingly mundane task of training and working, granting me the wisdom to decide when to push and when to rest, and allowing the body and the mind to hold up in this intense period of training. This has further confirmed the decision that I have made in my heart that I don't want to run competitively for long term. The toll and sacrifice it has on the mind and body is simply too great. It's always been clear to me that running is a stepping stone to something greater in the mission field in the future. There is a season in life for everything. As for now, I have a few more goals in running i would like to achieve before I focus my time and energy on something else.

My calling - Part 1

I have been thinking a lot about what I should write in my next post during my runs. I know most of my writings are about running coz it's something that I am passionate about but it's not the only thing in my life. In fact, compared to my deepest passion, running fades in comparison. I see ultra-running as a stepping stone, as a preparation to what i really want to do in the future. Lately God has been impressing upon me durings my runs to ponder upon His true calling for me, on how He led me thru many trials and challenges to enter into medical school, excel in it, graduate and now working with some great doctors in a regional hospital. Indeed He has planned the path so meticulously to work on my heart, character, skill, knowledge and competency to prepare me for His work in the mission field in the future. when I realised how much I may have deviated from His purpose, my heart just wept.

I have wanted to be a missionary doctor even before I entered medical school. But I guess it's partly idealistic, partly naive, partly selfish (in thinking it's really cool to be one), partly ignorant that I have such desire in my heart. It's no wonder that whenever i try to explain to older adults about what i wanted to do, they would either tell me off or dismiss me as idealistic. God knew all the self-serving motives I have in my heart so He allowed certain difficult events to break me, to tear down all my self-sufficiency, and then to rebuild me again. He also made it possible for me to meet up with true missionary doctors to help understand what mission work entails. Only then did I realize that to go into 'mission field' means carrying the cross daily, going to places where gospels are unheard of, loving the people first, and then sharing the good news of the love of God and Jesus Christ with them when the time is right. It's built on total dependence on God and His guidance, and obeying His voice, acting boldly and taking risks.

In university, I caught a glimpse of God's heartbeat and His extravagant love for people, even the worst sinners. At that moment, dumb-founded and yet completely changed by His great love, I began to lead a missionary life in university. In my first year, I was very involved in club activities and would speak to anyone who is interested to know if there is something more to life than what they see now. In my second year, I was elected president of a running and mountain climbing club - the Infinity milers. My best mates and I spent countless hours building the club, creating new tradition, nurturing the members, organizing mountain trips and races. All in all, our underlying motivation is to give the juniors a glimpse of God's love and His power at work. And in my third year, after passing on Infinity Milers to the next batch of leaders - Raymun (who is now one of my best friends and an ultra-runner himself) and his gang, I was elected president of Christian Fellowship. It's a huge privilege and responsibility which I relish. My soul was on fire then and I was always thinking of something new and catchy to attract the attention of non-Christians. Together with the committee members, we were acting as God's agents in our university to be the salt and light that Jesus calls us to be.

Milers Mt Liang East & West expedition

Milers training

Milers debriefing

Three generations Miler presidents. From left - Jackie (2006), Raymun (2008) and me (2007)

CF committee Feb 2008

CF committee August 2008

Cambodia mission trip 2007.

Then something unexpected happened. At the peak of my ministry, I stumbled in my walk in Christ. I sinned. (I won't go into details of it this time). I went into depression immediately and I could not face up to anyone in university. I was overwhelmed with immerse guilt, and instantly my whole ministry collapsed. Now in retrospect, I saw how my busy life, my failure to guard my private life and my inability to say no have created an opening for sin to creep into my life. How devastating the effect of sin is. I was spiritually crippled, and my time in university in Malaysia eventually came into a sad and abrupt end, and I left for Australia for my second phase of medical training.


In Australia, I chose a hospital that is far from the city to train coz I wanted a quiet place to rehabilitate my spirit. I wanted to be away from people. Since the incident, I have lost all my spiritual appetite and zeal. In church I would sit in the last roll. Everyday I pray that God will forgive me for what I have done and heal me from my wound and restore joy to my heart again. Every now and again, I would head for a run. After my run, I would go to a small field nearby my house and just lay there and look at the sky, and silently hope God would hear my prayer.

Psalm 51 became my favorite psalm. 'A broken spirit, and a contrite heart, You (God) will not despise, You will not despise... You desire truth, in the inward part. A broken spirit, and a contrite heart.'

Slowly God began to draw me to Him again. I realised that all these while when i thought He has forsaken me, He was in fact quietly preparing me to undergo 'dark night of the soul' and that His love never left me. Most nights on my bed, I would pray until I fell asleep. A strange peace would envelope me, and it then occurred to me that any parent would relish the moment where their kids fall asleep in their arms. Our heavenly Father smiles at us when we sleep in His embrace.

Then came a fantastic opportunity for me to go to South Africa for four months to learn as a medical student! Arranging all the paperwork with the hospital in South Africa and getting approval is an almost impossible task. In my mind, I have no doubt that God was secretly orchestrating events to allow me to get the final approval from the hospital and university in South Africa and my medical school in Australia.

In South Africa, I saw the depravity and desperation of human lives. There was so much sickness, violence, poverty, pain, deceit and injustice everywhere. Even amongst the Christians, there is bribery, lack of integrity, laziness  and subtle racism. However, I had a great time as a medical student and I was constantly placing myself at where the actions were. I learned so much in the way of infectious diseases and trauma management. Sometimes the work got too much, and I became emotionally and physically drained. Faced with seemingly un-winnable and inexhaustible battles and such godless and depraved environment. I questioned how I was ever going to make it as a missionary doctor. I was reading a book - Running with Horses by Eugene Peterson (author of the Message) then, and God again reminded me to persevere. 'If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses?' Jeremiah 12:5. This has since become my theme verse.

My colleagues in South Africa

It's also in South Africa that I stumbled on ultra-running. This is another story and I won't tell it here.. In short, running became my escape and my personal time with God. It also sharpens my character, toughens my feeble feet, and  prepares my body for the rigours of mission life. I feel recharged each time after I head out for a run, especially in the trail in the natural environment.

My first ultramarathon - Two Oceans Ultra-Marathon 56km.

Ok I shall end here part 1 here. It details events which were significant in my life up to the point before I graduate. Part 2 I will be sharing about my work, how my view of medicine has changed since I started work, how running fits into all of this, and where I think God is leading me in the future. Thank you for your time in reading this. :)