(T - 2) days

I went for a run this evening. I felt much better and refreshed after the run. It wasn't that I was able to straighten my thinking or come to some sort of enlightenment about the interview during the run. In fact I achieved neither. It was just simply being able to get out there, getting my mind off the interview, and doing something that I love that helped me feel better.

Why am I so worried about the interview?  My colleague made a casual comment this week saying: 'Ah jimmy, don't be so stressed. I am sure you will do fine.' I thought to myself. Of course I will be fine. But the point is not about being fine. The point is about having a perfect interview. Only a perfect interview would give us a reasonable chance of getting into the programme.

I am sure i am not the only person thinking of it this way. And here lies the source of all stress and anxiety.

Stressful times like bring me closer to God, as it always does. When i have come to the end of myself, the only person i can go to is God. Obviously there is a hypocritical component to this, in that i only go to God when i am in deep need. Other times, i just lead my own life the way i wanted to. It feels like i am only 'using' God to help to advance my career. But this is, of course, not entirely true. I also go to God for comfort, for guidance, and to find rest when i am heavy-laden. Like a little child who has lost his way, or has nowhere else to go, I run to God.

I think the thing i need to be most concerned now is not the final outcome, neither should i be worried about things like: Will God bless me? Am i holy enough for God to bless me? Or should i spend more time with Him so He would bless me? These questions, while valid and are very human, focus on me utilising God for my own purpose rather God using us for His purpose.

I need to focus on a few truths instead.

First, God loves me and has given His Son to die for me. (John 3:16)

Second, God has a plan and purpose for my life, plans to prosper me and not to harm me. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Third, God's timing is perfect (Ecclesiastes 3). If i don't get on, it will only be because i am not ready, and that there are things God wants me to learn and experience He wants me to have before getting into the programme.

Fourth, I can go in His confidence and do my best for His glory (Philippians 4:13 & 1 Corinthians 10:31).

I surrender it to Him.

They keep me going

SET interview (T - 4 days)

Next Tuesday I am attending an interview for the surgical education training (SET) programme. This is the final hurdle, after curriculum vitae scoring (15%) and referee report scoring (60%). This is where trainees are subjected to a series of questions in a broad range of topics to decide suitability and aptitude for the programme. During the interview, you come face to face with very experienced surgeons, where you can't hide your defects in knowledge, nervousness and lack in experience. 5 stations. 10 minutes in each station.

Last year, around ~500 people across Australia applied,  ~400 people were short-listed for interview, and 54 people were selected into the programme. This year, approximately ~300 plus applicants across Australia applied, 150 were short-listed for interview, and eventually only 50 people will be selected for the programme.

It's been an extremely difficult week for me. Somehow I just felt I am not in a good mental shape to attend the interview. I have been doing some reading and practice with friends, and my answers always come short. I am not able to think of an intelligent answer on time, much less structure my answer properly in a concise and clear manner. What comes out is usually just a random ball of mess.

I just don't believe I belong there. I felt like I don't deserve the interview. I felt others who have worked hard deserved more than me. I am frightened. I am frightened by the fact that i will be staring at the interviewers with my mind go blank on the interview day.

Time is running out. I have 4 days to get my shit together. 4 more days to D day. I am still in a mess. I need a breakthrough in my mind and spirit. Lord, I desperately need You to come through for me.